It happened on a Saturday 4 years ago, when I was 44 years old. I was at a constellation workshop, and I stood in front of the representer of my age.
I remember feeling shocked!
That thought doesn’t in any way reflect me and what I think about my life, but it explains so much about the way I’ve conducted myself in life.
After some time, I asked Meirav Schreiber, my colleague and a Constellation facilitator, to represent for me the person that voice belongs to.
We connected with a grandmother. Not necessarily my grandmother, she may have been one of my parents’ grandmother.
I had a strong feeling that it was connected to my father's lineage, so I phoned him.
"A statement like that," my father said, "really suits my grandmother, my father's mother. She was never satisfied with anything, and mainly, she was particularly disappointed with her husband, who died at the age of 47 (I’ll be there in another three years).
The Constellation teaches us a lot about who we are and who we are not, through our family tree, the experiential genogram.
Saying that, we can also learn so much from picking up the phone to our parents, uncles, and grandparents, and asking – if you still have someone to ask.
The conversation I had with my father opened a door for me to become familiar with additional depths in my family lineage, depths that I was unaware of and hadn’t encountered before.
Getting to know this grandmother, who by the way was American, and her critical nature, helped let something of myself be released.
Two years have gone by. I’ve grown older and I’m now 46 years old.
I haven't stood in front of my age since then, but if I imagine myself setting up a felt for my age – there’s a sense of satisfaction there.
And I'm pretty sure that that grandmother, if she were alive, would be proud of me.
I don't have to let my grandparents' relationships affect who I am.
I don't have to let my parents' relationships affect me
And I don't have to let the criticism and judgment, which control the family lineage on my father's side, characterize my life.
It's theirs, it's not mine.
I'm proud of me.