Few months ago I participated in a workshop that was about our relationship with ourselves.
The facilitator gave us an exercise: we worked with our age.
I looked at my age and the first thought that came to my mind was: "Is that all you have achieved in your 44 years???", with a tremendous notion of disappointment.
I was in shock!
This sort of statement doesn't reflect me and what I think about my life at all, but it shed a lot of light on my conduct in life.
Yesterday I asked a colleague of mine to represent for me the person whose voice this is (I had a hunch it was a she).
We connected with Grandma. Not necessarily my grandmother. Maybe the grandmother of one of my parents.
I had a strong feeling that it had to do with my father's family.
I called him.
"Such a statement", my father said, "is very typical of my grandmother, my father's mother. She was never happy with anything and was always disappointed, mostly with her husband, who passed away at the age of 47" (my age in 3 years).
A few days later, in the Introduction to Constellation course I teach, we dealt with our family tree.
With what we know about it and with our family tree's effects on us.
Family Constellation teaches us a lot about who we are and who we're not through experience, through our experiential genogram.
And yet, one can also learn so much from picking up the phone and asking directly (I know, some of you don’t have anyone to ask).
My conversation with my father, opened the door for me to a deeper understanding of my family lineage. Things I didn’t know.
I cannot allow the (bad) relationship between my father's grandmother and grandfather to dictate my life today.
So, the next step will be to put down felts for them and work on it.